But they’re not touring in the US for at least another couple of months!! Noooo :/
Tonight was a rough night at work. And not in a pleasant way. It made me question, yet again, if I’m in the right field of work. Patients, coworkers, they all impacted me negatively tonight, and I just wasn’t up for the bullshit of it all. I felt like throwing in the towel and saying goodbye to it all. I still do.
Not feeling well. I just feel like I don’t want to be here. My heart and mind are not here.
I just don’t want to go to work today. Not at all.
Long day. Highlights
- Hosted that baby shower, like a bamf aunt.
- Finally was mildly recognized for all of my efforts. (Recognition is important to me, sue me.)
- Took inventory of who was really there for me.
- Painted my nails this really pretty summery coral-orange color.
- Tested out my new summer dress. Smashing success. Except I’ve been told I shouldn’t wear it to that military graduation. Apparently it’s not formal enough.
- Went to the drive in movie theater for the first time since 2009. My first attempt at recreating a memory there, where he and all of that once began. It was worth a shot. I think Abby, Josh, and I are really well suited for movie watching together. It was the first time I was with people who understand the “rules” of watching a movie. You simply don’t fucking speak unless it’s really important or you really don’t understand something.
- A/J fight a lot though. And they haven’t had sex in a year. They may be on the verge of a split. Methinks/worries. Nonemybidness tho.
- My European travel passes finally arrived. Eeee!
Aaaand I must sleep. The brother wants to see the new Star Trek early as shit tomorrow, and I’m exhausted. Good night.
Drive in movie tonight, beautiful night!!
I’m going to see this thing through. Even though I know they won’t appreciate it. And my efforts are severely underappreciated. I’m just beyond pissed off.
I have to take time to figure out what makes me happy. Because right now, I’m stuck between people telling me to be happy with what I have, and my insides telling me to strive for something better. The trouble is I get stuck on the part of what makes me happy. Temporary pleasures make me happy. Being outside, close to a beach, being with my family, those I love. The thing is, following my heart to other passions would most likely lead me to a path without my family and I’d dread that. Who am I without them? Anyways.. lately I feel like I hold them on a pedestal, but I’m second rate to them. I know they love me, yet I’m taken for granted. I don’t know. Indecisiveness has always been my curse.
FUCK. Clearly I need to work on my own happiness when other people’s obviously happy news gives me a deep tinge of dissatisfaction and envy. What is this new feeling…..I’m usually deeply satisfied with my life. What the fuck is happening to me?
0745 Wake up/Shower
0830 Drive to Dixon Mazda
0900 Dixon Mazda appt, car oil change and tire check
1000 Fuel up at Shell
1100 Jerry Suver, 4th floor appt, discuss retirement and stock options
1200 Detail and wash at Octopus Carwash
1500-1600 Baby shower plans finalize
1700- FUCKING NOTHING AND SLEEP
I specialize in the following set of skills:
- Pretending like I know what the hell is going on when most of the time I’m just figuring it out as I go along.
- Accidentally making ridiculously polarizing statements (i.e. I don’t have kids yet which is lucky because I really like my house clean—try saying this in a room filled with moms. They look at you like you’re a fucking idiot).
- Being too nice (i.e. listening to people’s bullshit stories that I really couldn’t care less about. Like oh yes please tell me more about that time you cross-stiched a pillow for the county fair.)
to be continued..
I’m not thoughtful like some women. Some women invest resources, time, and energy into other people. I always forget to do all of that. Like here let me buy you this candle because I remember how much you love this scent. I don’t remember shit like that.
Had a nightmare that mom passed away. I was watching Dad live his life without her. Sweet Jesus, why is that so terrifying to me, that two people who are so in love not spend their lives together forever? It breaks my heart.
I shouldn’t dwell on these things, but it’s like it’s fucking hardwired into me or something. I’m really frustrated tonight. I know it’ll pass, but I’m emotionally drained. Sometimes I don’t speak up when I should because I fear if I let it out, that it will spew out of me as this unhealthy rage. It’s not as easy as some people that just speak their mind and get away with it. It’s like some people just say whatever the fuck they want and get away with it. I envy that. My career doesn’t allow for it. If I say the wrong thing, someone’s feelings are hurt, and then I’m fired. Or sued.
And it’s like, how do I draw the line of standing up for myself or keeping my job? I despise feeling this way. I worked for so long to quit letting people step all over me, only to enter a field where I serve others and essentially have to let people have their way even if it isn’t right. Perhaps, I should entertain the idea of a career change. Perhaps nursing isn’t for me after all.
Sidenote, I’m glad I didn’t go with my coworkers to the bar after work. I’ll never understand how people think drinking will help solve their problems.